Rihanna

Performed by adam sandler and rob schneider

[sound of crickets. guy walks across grass]
Joe: "hey pal! how ya doin?"
M2: "i'm so wasted, man."
Joe: "yeah, you are, oh ho ho!"
M2: "thanks man."
Joe: "it's good party, huh?"
M2: "oh, it's great man."
Joe: "hey that's some good acid, huh?"
M2: "oh, killer man."
Joe: "hey, my pleasure."
M2: "i've never been higher."
Joe: "oh ho, you must be freaking out."
M2: "acid's great man."
Joe: "it's the best."
M2: "everytime i do acid man, i'm so high."
Joe: "yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now."
M2: "this is the best acid, man."
Joe: "what are you seein, man?"
M2: "oh, i, that cloud up there, man."
Joe: "whoa"
M2: "it's got a vein in it."
Joe: "oh-holy cow! really!?"
M2: "and it's bleeding on me, man."
Joe: "it's bleeding on ya? well watch out!"
M2: "look at my hand, man."
Joe: "yeah?"
M2: "it-it's moving, but it's not moving."
Joe: "it's not?"
M2: "it's still there, but it looks like it's moving."
Joe: "hey, yeah to you it is."
M2: "i'm so high."
Joe: "yeah, you must be flipping out."
M2: "i'm flipping out off it."
Joe: "hallucinations, man."
M2: "acid..right."
Joe: "hey, i got some news fer ya."
M2: "i'm seeing stuff, man."
Joe: "yeah, yer seeing stuff."
M2: "right."
Joe: "well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?"
M2: "what man?"
Joe: "uhhh, that really wasn't acid. that was just a little piece of paper i ripped off of my notebook."
[silence]

M2: "wha? it's probly this weed i'm smokin', man."
Joe: "oh, that weed."
M2: "that thai bud, man."
Joe: "whoa."
M2: [laughing] "everything's hilarious."
Joe: [laughing] "that's funny man. look at that guy."
M2: [laughing] "that's funny man."
Joe: [laughing] "look at that guy's hat man."
M2: [laughing] "everything's funny to me, man."
Joe: "right. hey, how man bones didya smoke? a few joints, man?"
M2: "i had about four."
Joe: "whoa, that's a lot of bones to be smokin', man."
M2: "the whole thing's man."
Joe: "yeah, you sucked 'em down yerself."
M2: "ain't that hilarious!?"
Joe: "you didn't wanna share, didja?"
M2: "it was great stuff, man."
Joe: "aww, yeah, hey i got some news on that stuff too."
M2: "hey what man?"
Joe: "that's the stuff i sold you, right?
M2: "yeah, right."
Joe: "yeah"
M2: "it's funny, man."
Joe: "well, well, uh.."
M2: "i'm wasted off it, man."
Joe: "yeah, well that's good. you smoked it, right?"
M2: "right."
Joe: "well that really wans't weed."
[pause]
Joe: "no it wasn't, it was pencil shavings in a bag."
[silence]

Joe: "yeah."
M2: "well, it's probably this beer. this beer i'm drinking, man. i must be drunk off it or something. ya know, i had about eighteen of them, man."
Joe: "whoa, oh really!?"
M2: "i'm just..wasted off 'em."
Joe: "that's a lot of beer for a man to drink."
M2: "man, i gotta pea pretty soon, man."
Joe: "you didn't dump 'em out in the woods, didja?"
M2: "no..no..no.. i drank all of them."
Joe: "right, yeah. i saw you..that's good. hey didja eat today?"
M2: "no, i'm on an empty stomach."
Joe: "whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you."
M2: "..and that's why i'm so wasted off it man, it's like i'm seeing things, man."
Joe: "yeah, you can hardly stand, man."
M2: "you should take my car keys, cuz i can't drive, man."
Joe: "right, right."
M2: "i can barely walk."
Joe: "hey man, you better open those eyes up, they're half shut."
M2: "there's two of you, man. i can't see anymore, man, i'm blind!"
Joe: "right.. i got the beers, huh? i'm the man, right?"
M2: "yeah, you are the man."
Joe: "say it. say i'm the man."
M2: "yer da man!!"
Joe: "okay, well that beer.."
M2: "yeah?"
Joe: "there was no alcohol in that beer."
[pause]
Joe: "that was non-alcoholic. so..uhh..again, i'm gonna have to bust you on this one. you're lying."
[silence]

M2: [mumbling] "i'll be right back."
Joe: "ok, buddy, you go sober up."
[walking different directions, gun goes off]
Joe: "oh my god! he killed himself! he killed himself!"
[runs over]
Joe: "oh my god! you killed yerself, buddy."
M2: "yeah, i'm dead, man."
Joe: "oh my, oh yer dead."
M2: "yeah, i'm dead, man."
Joe: "that is awefull."
M2: "there's a big white light and everything, man."
Joe: "yeah! well you showed us all, man."
M2: "oh man, i'm so peaceful here man."
Joe: "yeah, you see anything weird, or.."
M2: "my relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather's there and.."
Joe: "ooooh, i remember him, he's a good guy."
M2: "he's still wearing the same clothes, and.."
Joe: "hey, say hello fer me, huh?"
M2: "hey man, joe says hi, man."
Joe: [chuckling] "right."
M2: "it's yeah..my uncle's here and..."
Joe: "right..right.. hey i got some news for ya. this is so funny."
M2: "yeah? what, man?"
Joe: "yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. the gun, you killed yerself with, that's the one i sold you, right?"
M2: "yeah."
Joe: "yeah, well that was a cap gun. so, there's no way you could have killed yourself."
[pause]
Joe: "yeah, that's right, ok.. i'm going back to the party. ok, take care."
[walks back]

M2: [whimpering and crying] "i'm moving to a different town man."

- "four weeks later."

[pouring drink]
M2: "oh this beer is great, man. this tequila is really strong, man. it's got a worm, and everything in it, man."
Buffoon: "fuckin' shit!"
M2: "all being in the sun, you're even more wasted. fuckin' shit is right, man! i am totally wasted now, man. i should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade."
Buffoon: "i know a guy who can suck his own dick."
M2: "yeah, i know a guy who can do that too. he's the drummer from molly hatchet and one night we had two cases of southern comfort, man. we were so wasted off it. i'm serious man."